Love So Fierce

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

-Lao Tzu

Have you ever loved someone so fiercely? The thought of them being gone for even a minute made your heart ache? Knowing your life is better because of who they are? Can you image a love so passionate that it makes you stronger in life? That chronic love is worth fighting every battle in life for. That's the love I have.

When I met my husband in the early summer of 2014, I was your average 19 year old girl. I had no fears. I was invincible. I was fierce and I knew the path I desired in life. Nothing would get in my way. No one. Then I met Jesse. He was this sexy as hell geeky Marine who loved Doctor Who and Anime. I could dig this kid. Suddenly I crumbled. I was head over heels in love with this man instantly. This was the kind of love in movies. It was fake. Unobtainable. Somehow he captured that love and my heart.

The first time Jesse told me he loved me I was driving on I-8 near the Dome House in Yuma, AZ. Without thinking I hung up on him and called my best friend Jessie. She talked some sense into me, yelled at me and told me to call that boy back. How romantic am I? " I love you."

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From there the deal was sealed. We could have dated for a few years, had a long engagement, and then gotten married. But this was no average love story. My husband was to ship off to the West-PAC MEU in less than a years time. We knew we were in love, and we knew we didn't want to wait. December thirteenth two thousand and fourteen I married my best friend and traded in the last name I carried for nineteen years. Now Rachel Paige Leuthoudom, I was officially my best friends wife for better or for worse. In sickness and health. At nineteen you don't really think in depth about the sickness part. Man flu, colds, that's all that comes to mind. I didn't realize the latter vows would mean so much.

Marriage was nothing but blissful in the beginning. The honeymoon stage was flying by from half way across the world. EMT academy got thrown into the mix, and from oceans away Jesse was my biggest supporter. Care packages came and deployment went. Before I ever knew it Jesse came home and we were loading up to move cross country to crazy ole Florida. That's when it all came crashing down. Suddenly I was passing out at work. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. I spent my days bouncing between the couch and the bathroom floor puking my brains out, while still trying to maintain a professional and home life. I wasn't myself. I was getting sicker and no one could tell me why. Appointment after appointment I was finding myself discouraged and hopeless, but my light shown bright through the love he gave me.

Jesse has gone above and beyond in our journey through life these past five years. When my illness started I gave him an out. I told him time and time again, "this isn't what you signed up for." But he reassured me of the vows we had taken mere years earlier," sickness and in health." Our who world was changing and he just took it in strides and loved me through it.

Over the next four years, appointments through and through, Jesse has been my rock . There has been times when the pain is so abrasive, I couldn't tolerate his touch. When I couldn't manage to crawl out of bed, medications would be brought. Jesse even learned to set up and manage my central line for when I'm too ill to mange it myself. Hell there has been times when I needed help out of the shower because I was symptomatic or just plain weak. When we go out he assists me, whether it's with my wheelchair or reminding me to wear my mask. He's met me where I've needed him. There has been nights I've awoke to him watching me sleep, simply because he refused to sleep sine I was so ill. My health and well being are always a top priority in his life

Ten tips for loving someone with chronic illness---

1. Love us fiercely-

This goes without saying that my man loves me without borders. He has gone to the moon and back for me. He shows me his love through his continual care for me. When the going got tough, he didn't run for the mountains like most would. He continues to amaze me every day.

2. Don't pity, empathize

I can't empathize this enough. While our bodies may be broken, we are not. I've been pat on the head in public while in my chair. Ugh. Ya'll please. We're just like you. Human. Be humane. It's the cool thing to do,

3. Know this is your journey too

This sounds funny. I know. You're probably thinking, "but I'm not sick." You're right, you're not sick, but you love someone who is. Being sick is a full time job, just like caring for someone sick is. I know my illness takes a toll on my husband, even when he won't admit it. Remember to take time for yourself . Don't burn yourself out on us . We can manage while you take some me time.

4. Know your support means the world.

To be honest with ya'll I don't know if I could handle this journey alone. The emotional aspect of this journey has drained me. When I feel myself on low, there he is. The support Jesse gives me inspires me to take one step more.

5. Be an advocate!

I've learned to be an advocate for myself, but Jesse has taken the challenge of speaking up and advocating for me when I'm too weak. He makes sure my care is first priority . I'm lucky to have this man is in my corner. 6.Don't keep score (of chores or cookies.)

There's days when I can knock out all of my chores and errands. Some days I can do one or the other. Other days I can't get out of bed. This is makes life challenging. Thankfully my hubby is more than willing to pick up my slack. Our daily life is a team effort. We learned to not keep score of who does what, or who eats what. (Pizza for him, cookies for me)

7. Know this is a continuous process.

So often I get frustrated with the fact that this is my life. I want this so badly to be a season a of illness that can end, where a new season of health can start. I have come to terms with this being a chronic diagnosis and now want to inform others of the struggles of illness out there. I know this is a process of treatment, trial and error if you will. It took me over a year to accept my diagnosis and get an understand of what was happening to me. I can only image the frustration care givers and loved ones feel. Please know this is a process. Be patient with us and our medical teams. We're all in this together.

8. Work with limitations, not against them

I could write a long explanation for this , but it just boils down to being kind. Be considerate .

9. Remember they are more than their illness

As patients we can get so caught up in our illness that it becomes our identity,"the sick girl." Remind us we are more than our illness. Tell us we're beautiful, take us on adventures. The more normal we can feel the easier it is for us to remember who we are.

10. Have a support system for yourself.

It's so easy to to get burned out. Make sure you have someone besides your loved one where you can talk to them. A coworker, friend, family, or therapist if needed. We try to be as open as possible with you . Please be open with us, if not someone else. We want you to have an outlet too.

I'm blessed to have this man of mine in my life. To have and to hold. In sickness and in health. For better or for worse. Forever until always. To Galifrey and back.